101 Positions, 102 Excuses.
How much time do you get Home Alone??
I got half a day about three months ago and I was so excited I spent the entire time cleaning our house FFS!!!
Before that it was before G-Man was born, so about five and a half years ago.
I have come to the conclusion that its not healthy.
Our sex life is suffering.
I initially put it down to the exhaustion that comes with having kids, I’m sure you all know what I am talking about, where your bed is more attractive than your partner. But Master J has been sleeping through for over a year now and apart from the odd rough night here and there, he sleeps from 7pm-7am, with G Man sleeping from 7.30pm-7am. So that is no longer a plausible excuse.
I have bought sexy underwear, taken horny goat weed vitamins and I am working three days a week which gets me out of the house and regains some of the old “me”, all trying to get us out of our once-a-week-sex rut.
But a few nights ago, as soon as G Man had gone down for the night, Mr Point Five came to me and started nuzzling my neck, you know, the nuzzling, the expectation.
I fairly exploded.
For no good reason.
My poor love who works so hard, does so much for me, adores me and just wanted a little nooky copped an absolute earful.
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I told him, pushing him away. His face – I cant explain it – who had he married?? Certainly I wasn’t the girl who used to have quickies on the kitchen bench or the tumble dryer any more. I felt like I had slapped him and he had zero comprehension as to my reaction – I could barely understand it myself.
I felt suffocated. My mind was clawing to escape my body, to levitate and just be free.
Free of demands and being needed, even for sex. I can’t turn off the Mother who is needed and become the wife who is desired. The feeling of being needed and being desired are one and the same for me right now and its just not healthy. My poor darling husband loves me and wants to have sex with me and I felt violated.
Why should he get to satisfy his needs when I cant satisfy my own???
A month or so back I wrote a post about the feeling of Resentment in Motherhood and sadly, this resentment has bubbled over and is affecting my marriage. Not the relationship so much, we still chat and talk and communicate and be silly and laugh but when he actually physically WANTS something from me, it makes my teeth clench. My stomach tightens and I feel the need to push away.
And its not fair, to hubby or me.
I spend 12 hours a day being needed by the kids. I am on call all night. If I don’t have my children, I am at work. I drop my children off on the way to work and when I leave work, I pick up my children and come home. I prepare dinner for the family. Every single night. I am aware of everything that needs to happen in our house. Its my job to know and get it done. Heaven help us if we run out of loo paper!!
I cannot justify the cost of daycare and me not working – right or wrong I would feel like a bludger.
The kids are home today and I feel so guilty taking 30-60 minutes typing this out. I feel I am a bad mother, I am resentful and angry that I have to steal an hour. If I do it when they are in bed, I feel guilty that I am ignoring hubby. I feel like a bad wife. He says to me each night, what do you want to do? (hoping I will suggest sex). I say I wouldn’t mind getting this blog post out, or doing a scrap page….. Oh, OK he says. How long do you think that will take??
Its not his fault, he just want to spend time with me and I can’t begrudge that, but I never get guilt-free time, just for me, with nobody expecting……expecting something from me even when I am finished doing what I want, there is the expectation, just waiting for me.
I have been assured it gets better, when the kids are older and more self-reliant or out on playdates or sleepovers etc. I would never want to wish these precious young years away but MY GOD! Something has to change.
Having sex with the one you love should never become a chore, a resentful obligation, but it is for me right now and I don’t know how to change it.
But I want to, so very desperately.
We are moving towns next month, and have a Bali family holiday planned for January – hopefully the change will do us good……
Sex rut be GONE!!!
Righto – I am off to do the dishes and get these kids outside.