The Black Dog or the Yellow Lab – How can you tell??
So you may have noticed that my blog posts have been few and far between lately.
I am going to be honest – I have kinda lost my mo-jo and its been really hard to pick exactly when it happened…..
I used to blog “funny” but lately I just cant seem to tickle my humour bone to save myself. Lately most of my posts are introspective or ranty and whilst I know you all love a good ranty-pants post, I would love to get back to my core blog basic which was of the humorous parent/marriage genre.
I THINK it started around November 2011 when THIS happened. There was a LOT more in that email but essentially it led me to write THIS about a year ago.
Although I try hard for the kids as I still want them to have a healthy relationship with their grandparents, I still feel this way.
My feelings were only cemented last month as we are going up to Perth next weekend just for the night for the Disney on Ice show. Its a three hour drive so we need to make it an overnight trip. Over the last school holidays whilst I was staying with my Dad for a week with the kids I asked if we could stay at his house as the nearest other family home we could stay at was close to 40km away and with it being an evening show were seeing, we didnt want to travel that far and then get the kids out and to bed etc etc. He and his wife life close to the city, and were going to be away on holiday so I didn’t even think it would be an issue as before “the email” we had stayed there when they were away. Guess what they said?
NO.
The excuse was…..they pour disinfectant and bleach down the sinks when they go away and having us stay the night would…..actually I still don’t get it,but after a tumultuous past 30 months with my Dad, my heart broke into a thousand pieces all over again last month. It seriously shattered. What do you do what a parent breaks your heart?
I am still to make a real friend here in our town and although I say I dont care, I do. It bites. I was invited by the sweet Sarah from Hunting For Ladybugs to come to our next towns Biggest Cup of Tea Morning Tea this morning. Although we are facebook “friends” I have barely chatted to her online and I would know nobody there. I am TIRED of trying. I messaged her this morning and told her that I just didn’t have the energy to explain myself to a bunch of new people all over again.
I just want to have a cup of tea or a glass of wine with one person who knows me and loves me. Just one, I’m not asking too much am I?
Watching the season finale of Greys Anatomy a few days ago reduced me to a puddle of tears as it brought home losing my best friend nearly four years ago. I was a total mess at home on my own.
My Mum was admitted into hospital for another episode last week. This breaks my heart every time it happens.
**********
This morning all I did after the school run was lay down with a doona and cuddle Master J on the couch watching Peppa Pig, waiting for Mr Point Five to get up off night shift, so I could go back to bed and cry. It took ALL my willpower to wait and not dissolve into tears in front of my child. I made it. Barely.
I guess what I am wondering is…..
I am 40 and have never suffered from Depression before.
I believe my symptoms of living my life in a general cloak of blah beige for the past 6 months or so (since we moved really), and being on the brink of tears the past week are those of classical Depression. I have tried so long to be strong, but its fading. My carefactor for the housework is sliding towards the negative side of zero. I just CBF’ed. Worse than normal. Yep. That’s bad. My pride is slipping. The past week or so, I have been waking between 3 and 4am and just lie there thinking………
BUT
Is it still called Depression if you are suffering the sads because of actual crappy situations in your life?
If the situations are not going to get better any time soon, will seeing a doctor to get a script for “happy pills” actually help?
I’m not sure.
Do I go see a doctor and see if they help?
Perhaps seeing a therapist and talking out my Dad issues/moving house isolation/ex-BFF issues etc would be more beneficial.
I don’t even know if our town HAS a therapist??
Do I just wade through and trust it will get better?
How do you tell the difference between being stuck in a rut or having the Black Dog?
What do you think?
What’s your advice?
(lots of questions, sorry)
xxx
Im so sorry that you are going through this Lisa, I truly am.. I dont have any answers, just support.. I am thousands of miles away in the US but I truly understand the pain of being alone and having a situation happen that is beyond your control. Stay away from the medication, I strongly recomment that you find a therapist. Even if its not in your town, and if you dont click at first find another one. Maybe its worth traveling for one. You have so much to be blessed for, a husband that clearly adores you and two beautiful little boys who thinks you are the WHOLE world. However you wil be no good to them if you dont take a few hours out of your week and go take care of yourself and talk this all through with a professional that can help you bring to light what is really important. Its a process when life as you know it changes and the people you rely on are not there anymore.. it will be ok, you just need help finding the acceptance and different ways being happy. You can do this.. you take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.. Be the best mommy you can be today and just keep moving.. fake it till you make it… and you will!! <3 Rosanne
Thank you for your comment – yes, I am thinking talking it out will be my first step too 🙂 There is apparently a lovely therapist who visits our town so I will check her out 🙂 xxx
That was a brave and honest post, Lisa.
Sadly, depression doesn’t have to start with a significant date & doesn’t come with a use-by. It happens to the best of us.
You have a lot on your plate at the moment, & we all have our limits. Don’t be scared to take happy pills to help you through. Might be worth visiting your GP. Certainly couldn’t hurt.
Either way, Lis, you’re allowed to feel these feelings.
Wish I could be there to have a wine & whine, but you know where to find me in Cyberland.
Take care.
Awwwww thanks chickadee. How much I would dearly love to share a bottle or two with you. xxx
Given your current circumstances (list of stressors), I’d hold off on the ‘happy pills’ at first as they will only help take the edge off, so that you can better handle the rest of it. However, if nothing else is changing any time soon, the list of crap that’s going on will continue to get on top of you.
*by all means, start with the local GP, they can help point you in the right direction, but in my experience, if you walk into a GP and say “I have a headache” they issue Panadol. If you self diagnose a “sinus infection”, antibiotics and so forth, often without any other avenues of support. So if you suspect depression, they’d probably offer the happy pills and say C-ya!
My depression was based mostly on my circumstances, and until that changed majorly, anti depressants or not, nothing was improving!
I can relate to the raw end of the deal with “unsupportive parents”.
And having two kids, young kids, life is pretty hectic!
ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!
Nothing will get better until you get some time out (alone) for yourself.
Be it an hour a day, where you’re NOT cleaning, cooking, watching Gray’s etc, but just to relax, or one day a fortnight eg where you’re NOT at work, you need to start somewhere!!
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
You’ve got a lot going on!
Try to slow it down and take one hour at a time xx
Yes, am VERY glad Greys is on a season break and that Christina has moved!!! Thanks for your comment and support – means a lot. xxx
You’re welcome x
Look after yourself!
🙂
I know its near on impossible to have a routine of your own when your partner is working shifts. I was that shift worker for 10 yrs and now have a DIDO hubby who comes n goes with no regularity… but maybe look at other avenues for meeting people – sport? play group? P n C? swimming lessons? Put yourself out there one more time and strike up a conversation with someone at tennis or school?
Depression is linked to lack of minerals, B vitamins and poor gut flora too so maybe stock up on really good quality multi vits and mins and high doses of Inner Health Plus.
There would have to be a visiting psych/therapist or one in Ngn you could see. A 2nd opinion on your thoughts is always a good thing when you are stuck in a rut.
Good luck, well done for recognising it now and being willing to do something.
Yep – on it now with the multivits etc, thanks for the recommendation. Sport? Pfffft.
There is a visiting therapist who I am going to book in to see first off. Thanks for the support chick. xxx
Go and see a doctor and start the conversation. It doesn’t have to be medication, it can be referral to a psychologist/counsellor, or a combination of both. I reached a crisis point last year and have since been getting a combination of medication and therapy and it was the best thing I ever did. I, too, had a combination of a whole lot of crappy stuff happening at once. Having too much to cope with can be a trigger, but not the whole cause, if that makes sense. For too long I waited for things to ‘get better’ so that I would feel better. Unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily work like that. Take care of you. I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. Bec xx
Bec recently posted…How to cope when your 4 year old is smarter than you
Thanks SO much for the advice – its exactly what I am going to do – make an appt for a referral for a chat and see what happens. xxx
I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time, but it’s hardly surprising. You take on so much and you give so much of yourself to your loved ones. Add in parents who might not be so supportive and a town where it’s hard to create bonds with others, and I am in awe of how you’ve managed so far, with all of those isolating factors. Please do follow these feelings up. I have only just admitted to myself that my anxiety has become too hard to handle on my own (I have a feeling there is a little PTSD in the mix) and have some medication to tide me over when I need it, with the hopes of focused talk therapy once I get home from overseas. I know what you mean about all your life feeling shitty at once. I do. And while medication won’t take your issues away, it can take the edge off as you begin to work on coping with it all.
In some ways, beginning to get help and admitting it was too much for me to fix on my own, actually has been healing in itself. I think I left it way too long. I don’t want that for you, OK?
Also, you are an AMAZING law enforcement wife and I admire you so much, but don’t forget you. You may not see the things your husband does, you may not be out there upholding the law for long shifts, but you ARE supporting that person. You ARE holding up your home and taking care of those beautiful boys. Don’t forget that people can support you too. I really hope you can tell your Mister how you’re feeling and have him support you in even a fraction of the way you support him.
Big hugs and I am truly thinking of you today (have been ever since I read this post early this morning).
xxx
KezUnprepared recently posted…Thought sorting.
Oh! Thank you so much lovely! Yes, I have talked to hubby and he is in full support. Apparently the Police have “complimentary” phone counselling for spouses so I may look into that. There is also a visiting therapist to town who I have been assured is quite lovely so I will get a referral to her too.
Thank you thank you thank you. (((HUGS)))
I don’t know how you tell, but if you’re wondering, it won’t hurt to talk to a doctor at all.
As for the rest of it… If I could I would drive over right now and just hang with you for hours. Sorry that I can’t. Xxx
EssentiallyJess recently posted…One Day, Some Day, Most Days
Oh Jess – I would LOVE to have a glass or two (or three) of vino with you and sort out the problems of the world. xxx
Aw, shit a brick. Don’t go reaching for the pills just yet..,. but there are some fairly low dose options, that you could take for a small period of time, that could possibly work, if you wanted to go down that track. Just pulling this out of the air, but if you want to get out of the blah, get some fresh air, give the kids a thrill and try something new (if you have the energy for it) we are still seeding here in Lake Grace – if you feel like a drive of a couple of hours or so to give the boys a ride on a tractor and cuddle a pony this weekend you are welcome!
Life is beautiful, even if you have to keep reminding yourself over and over.
Thanks chick – nah, I will get a referral for a therapist first I think. I need to talk out my issues first or no good will come of all the happy pills in the world. Hopefully they can sort may sad arse out 🙂 The tractor rides sound fantastic. Maybe in the school hols? How far is Lake Grace anyways? Hmmmmm.
xxx
OMG! I ended up with a few little tears from reading this. Everyone needs “their person” or at least one friend in the town! My heart goes out to you. I feel like giving you the biggest hug. If hubby ever feels like a transfer, come to Kellerberrin. I will stalk you until you talk to me and we can drink wine (or tea if it’s too early in the day)! I do agree about talking to a doctor.
Kellerberrin could be on the cards – Hubby is applying for promotion to the Sergeants pool and apparently Kellerberrin comes up a bit :)FX I find a friend. xxx
Depression comes in all differernt flavours lovely. Do yourself a favour – listen to your gut, what is it telling you? If things dont feel right then and go and chat to a Dr. You dont have to live with feeling like this. Big hugs hun xx
Thanks gorgeous – I will see a doc if only to get a referral to a therapist to talk my sad shit out. xxx The support I have on here is amazing. xxx