The Black Dog or the Yellow Lab – How can you tell??
So you may have noticed that my blog posts have been few and far between lately.
I am going to be honest – I have kinda lost my mo-jo and its been really hard to pick exactly when it happened…..
I used to blog “funny” but lately I just cant seem to tickle my humour bone to save myself. Lately most of my posts are introspective or ranty and whilst I know you all love a good ranty-pants post, I would love to get back to my core blog basic which was of the humorous parent/marriage genre.
Although I try hard for the kids as I still want them to have a healthy relationship with their grandparents, I still feel this way.
My feelings were only cemented last month as we are going up to Perth next weekend just for the night for the Disney on Ice show. Its a three hour drive so we need to make it an overnight trip. Over the last school holidays whilst I was staying with my Dad for a week with the kids I asked if we could stay at his house as the nearest other family home we could stay at was close to 40km away and with it being an evening show were seeing, we didnt want to travel that far and then get the kids out and to bed etc etc. He and his wife life close to the city, and were going to be away on holiday so I didn’t even think it would be an issue as before “the email” we had stayed there when they were away. Guess what they said?
The excuse was…..they pour disinfectant and bleach down the sinks when they go away and having us stay the night would…..actually I still don’t get it,but after a tumultuous past 30 months with my Dad, my heart broke into a thousand pieces all over again last month. It seriously shattered. What do you do what a parent breaks your heart?
I am still to make a real friend here in our town and although I say I dont care, I do. It bites. I was invited by the sweet Sarah from Hunting For Ladybugs to come to our next towns Biggest Cup of Tea Morning Tea this morning. Although we are facebook “friends” I have barely chatted to her online and I would know nobody there. I am TIRED of trying. I messaged her this morning and told her that I just didn’t have the energy to explain myself to a bunch of new people all over again.
I just want to have a cup of tea or a glass of wine with one person who knows me and loves me. Just one, I’m not asking too much am I?
Watching the season finale of Greys Anatomy a few days ago reduced me to a puddle of tears as it brought home losing my best friend nearly four years ago. I was a total mess at home on my own.
My Mum was admitted into hospital for another episode last week. This breaks my heart every time it happens.
This morning all I did after the school run was lay down with a doona and cuddle Master J on the couch watching Peppa Pig, waiting for Mr Point Five to get up off night shift, so I could go back to bed and cry. It took ALL my willpower to wait and not dissolve into tears in front of my child. I made it. Barely.
I guess what I am wondering is…..
I am 40 and have never suffered from Depression before.
I believe my symptoms of living my life in a general cloak of blah beige for the past 6 months or so (since we moved really), and being on the brink of tears the past week are those of classical Depression. I have tried so long to be strong, but its fading. My carefactor for the housework is sliding towards the negative side of zero. I just CBF’ed. Worse than normal. Yep. That’s bad. My pride is slipping. The past week or so, I have been waking between 3 and 4am and just lie there thinking………
Is it still called Depression if you are suffering the sads because of actual crappy situations in your life?
If the situations are not going to get better any time soon, will seeing a doctor to get a script for “happy pills” actually help?
I’m not sure.
Do I go see a doctor and see if they help?
Perhaps seeing a therapist and talking out my Dad issues/moving house isolation/ex-BFF issues etc would be more beneficial.
I don’t even know if our town HAS a therapist??
Do I just wade through and trust it will get better?
How do you tell the difference between being stuck in a rut or having the Black Dog?
What do you think?
What’s your advice?
(lots of questions, sorry)