Woe-Is-Me
So I was surfing facebook this morning and a status by Kerri Sackville popped into my feed.
“Research question for an article I’m writing:
If someone wants to be your friend but you don’t wish to pursue the friendship, do you feel a bit guilty? Do you say ‘no thanks’ or do the whole ‘sure, let’s catch up’ and then never follow up thing????“
See their answers here.…
All of a sudden I felt like crying. THIS was what was happening to me, I was sure of it.
We moved to this town five months ago and yesterday I was invited on my first playdate. Since moving I have made “facebook friends” with a few of the Mums and after a few conversations on fb and at school pick-up, nothing has eventuated. In fact one of them, a fellow blogger up this way who I was really looking forward to meeting IRL actually replied to my invitation of a coffee/play date with “Hi Lisa Thanks for the invite, but I’ve got lots on my plate right now, so I’m going to decline. Hope your kids have a great year at school.”
Seriously, hope your kids have a great YEAR. Wow. Talk about a blow-off!! After messaging with a “Have I done something to upset you? Is everything OK, are you alright??….” and getting no reply, I instantly unfriended and thought no more of it. Her loss, I thought.
A few of the Police wives on the opposite team have tried to organise a scrapping night but for a few months now, but it keeps getting postponed and cancelled due to sickness and bad timing. I get that these things cant be helped but after reading all the replies to Kerries post today it got me filled to the brim with self doubt, and that is something I have NEVER felt before. I was all like, its not me, its just bad timing, and whilst deep down I know that this is true, I am having a rough day today believing it.
Small country towns are clicky. Especially the farming ones I am discovering. Farmers are busy people. A lot of people have lived here all their life; they have their friends already so why would they need more, especially ones who are transient and will most likely not be here in 12 months time. The people at work are lovely and I really appreciate the adult company they provide but they have their lives on the weekend with friends and family of their own and I do not wish to intrude. The Mums at school are friendly enough. Some I have thought are more than that, really lovely actually and I have thought I would love to get to know you better, but all I get is a smile and a wave and a How was your day?, but none are forthcoming with outside-of-school activities. To be honest after being the new person who is constantly making the effort and trying to reach out, I am pretty much ready to give up and admit defeat. Its their town and I am trespassing.
I just don’t think I was meant to make a good friend or two in this town.
And that’s OK. It’s not our forever town and I am tougher than that; I will be content with what I have.
If you lower your expectations you cannot be disappointed.
…..but today I am disappointed. Honestly, lovely people, never take your real friends for granted!
I miss my IRL friends so much.
Sorry for the woe-is-me post but once again, its just me and the boys at home on our own in our not-so-new town whilst Mr Point Five works.
Moving towns all the freaking time sucks balls; this is our fourth town in under six years and I am tired of the effort required to make friends.
Where would I be without my cyber buddies? Note to self: send Mark Zuckerberg a Thank You, You Rock card.
I struggle to say no so I’d probably put them off if I can or just give in & catch up & give them a chance to prove we have something in common. If we do great, if not I’d try to avoid after that.
Oh Lisa I would love to meet up for a coffee and play date if we lived closer. I am in WA too but in the metropolitan area near the city. I have two small boys as well and I know our boys would become great mates, and if you are half as funny and down to earth IRL as you are on here, I know we would be great mates too 🙂 Someone will come along soon that you will just click with, I’m sure of it. Keep smiling xoxo
HONEY! That is HIDEOUS. I am so bloody sorry. That blogger person sounds awful. I would always, ALWAYS make an effort with someone who was new and didn’t have any friends around. Please just know it’s not you. It’s NOT. They all sound like they are so far up their own arses (sorry about the bad language) that they can’t even see you.
I have never moved around as an adult but my parents did and my mum tells me often how hard it was making friends.
Hang in there. All you need is one or two. You are lovely and I’m sure it will happen xxx
We moved back to a town we lived in for 5 1/2 yrs after a 5 1/2 yr gap. There was some stuff went down in our group of friends while we were away that we weren’t involved in, and we all have 3 kids now instead of 1 or none…but I’ve struggled with loneliness since I returned.
Invites dried up 2 yrs ago, I don’t play sport anymore, my hubby isn’t always around, they say they’ll come for a cuppa but never actually do, I only made 2 friends at the kids school, one of my playgroups does my head in and I don’t know why I keep going…
I often sit here wondering if it is me or just we are all busier now. How many invites do you need to send until you give up? Who is going to tell you, “Yes, its you”? How many outlets can you explore to try to make new friends?
I don’t know the answer, but hope you’ll share if you work it out! And I wish you luck as I know towns can be clicky, especially Wheatbelt towns.
PS I REALLY do think we were separated at birth! LOL
I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. The thing is, it’s not you. It’s them. My mum once told me that when my dad worked in woop woop when they first got married that they didn’t find it easy to make new friends and got told by some locals that they liked them BUT they just got sick of everyone leaving after they’d made the ‘attachment’, so they essentially stopped trying. Which I guess in the days before social media I can kind of understand, but there’s not much of an excuse these days!
I admit that I have had to ‘turn down’ people on occasion but only because we didn’t click (like REALLY did not click AT ALL) or because I was so genuinely busy that I felt I would feel MORE guilty being a crap friend than not being one at all. That was all on me and never on the other person or anything against who they were. I am certainly not saying this to justify these unfriendly mums/wives at all, but more to point out that it’s not about you because YOU are wonderful and you just need someone who sees just how much you are worth spending time with. Anyone who doesn’t is not worth worrying about. Smart move having this wonderful bloggy space to interact in – I hope you can reconnect with your IRL friends soon or that someone extends a genuine friendly hand. I guess maybe it takes time and people have to get used to seeing you around and realising you’re not going anywhere for a while? Knowing your luck, it will be right before you leave 😛
I don’t know if this comment will just make you feel worse but I really hope not, because even in a busy place where I live (the place I grew up), I can sometimes feel left out of the clique or my doubts can swallow me whole on bad days. I feel ya xox
KezUnprepared recently posted…Underrated toddler milestones.
It is incredibly hard when you move around. We moved from Melbourne to Perth for 2 years and lived about 45 minutes south of the city centre. We moved back to Melbourne when our first son was 3 months old. It was really difficult to make friends. People were lovely but I got the feeling they were used to people from ‘over east’ breezing in for a couple of years because of the economic boom and then nicking off again so didn’t want to get too connected. I imagine it’s even harder in a small town.
I don’t know how small your town is but we made a few friends via Newcomers Network. They have a Perth branch. meetup.com can also be pretty good – you can even start your own meetup if you want.
Take care and good luck. It can be a lonely world out there x
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Hi Lisa, We moved from Perth to “down south” last August and I am only just now really starting (I hope) connecting with the mums from the school. I have joined a couple of local community FB social groups as the community I am in is mainly FIFO. When my middle child started kindy this year I organised a catchup for the mums even though I am new to the area. Lots of people were grateful I organised it and we got to meet other people in the class. I hope it gets better for you. Making friends as an adult sucks big time. hang in there. If you live anywhere near me-lets catch up, even if you don’t-stay in touch via FB…Now it is school holidays maybe you can ask one or two mums & kids over for a coffee or playdate? I have decided to just focus on 1-2 people to get to know and hopefully friendships will build from that…xx
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