Day 7, Tuesday. 

The Thing I am most afraid of….


I didn’t really think about this until we went away just now over the school holidays just now, but what I am most afraid of right now, is letting go of my kids, even ever so slightly, inch by inch.

Right now we live in a tiny town – about 500 people. There are only 70 kids in the school and the principal knows them and their families well. There is no bullying or mean-spiritness and the kids are all very accepting of my angel and his dyspraxia. They don’t tease him but are very patient and mostly get the gist of what he is trying to tell them. I am confident that his little spirit and heart will be well looked after when I leave him there each day. 

We stayed at a caravan park for the first time just now on our school holiday. G Man is five and is busting to make friends. Any other kid of a similar height is fair game and any conversation  means that they are now BFF’s. We had a little boy, maybe a few years older, called Antonio come say hi to him whilst he was scooting around out the front. They scooted together with G Man pushing the limits of visibility and riding further and further away from me accompanied by confidence in his new mate.  Before long I was nervously calling him back within sight. Antonio came to our verandah and before I knew it, he was in G Mans bedroom, watching TV with him and Master J. WTF???

I don’t know this child. I don’t know his parents. For all I know his parents train him to make friends, go into chalets and pinch anything he can or report back as to what is inside. He might be unlocking a window so his parents could sneak in in the middle of the night and kidnap my children. Yes I am leaping to massive and totally bizarre conclusions but these thoughts did occur to me as I looked around and hid visible money and eee-pads out of sight. Antonio was asked if his Mum and Dad knew where he was. When he admitted that no, they didn’t, he was sent on his way.  I mean, we also could be ANYONE and Antonios parents didn’t seem to care!! 

It was a massive shock to me as a parent living in small country town. Is this how it works? Is this what I need to accept for my child? Am I an over protective and overbearing parent? Will I be causing my child to be picked on by having a mother who wont let him do stuff? Will I add to the disability he already has? That is another thing I am afraid of.  So many serious thoughts went on in my head that evening. How do we trust our child to do the right thing? How do I trust that other adults that he meets will do right by him? When do I let him explore, just a little, on his own? HOW do I do that? I am not sure I am equipped! There are so many milestones we celebrate of our children…what about the ones we have to get to as parents? 

The next day at the caravan park pool, we saw Antonio again. I was watching him and G Man have a conversation and G Man started to follow him out of the pool area. Two year old Master J started to follow his big brother also but Antonio turned and addressed him. I didn’t hear what was said but I gather his company was not welcome in the new club of two. Master J ignored him and it was then that Antonio pushed him over so he sat down and then pushed his head into the ground, face first.
I saw RED I can tell you. I sprinted over to him, checking that Master J (who was screaming) was OK and then turned to Antonio, very careful not to lay a finger on him, and said to him in a quiet, shaky, and yet forceful voice that if I EVER caught him anywhere near my children again it would be the last thing he did in his little life. Man, was I ANGRY!!!
I definitely felt vindicated in my over-protectiveness at this point in time in G Mans life. 
I am nowhere NEAR ready to let him out of my sight with unfamiliar people and unfamiliar surroundings even though it seems the rest of the parents in the caravan park were happy enough to. I just cannot do it and I know it is the right decision. I am happy to leave that parental milestone on the mantle.
Now I just need to worry about being a helicopter Mum apparently. Actually, I wont worry about that. I will just do what I know is best for my boy and every Mum knows what that is. 
Its the one thing we are positive of on the parenthood road.