Linky Blog – I Heart my Body
Linking up with We Heart Life to celebrate our own body love.
All my life I have always been slender. “Aren’t you skinny??” would be one of the first things people would say about me, to me. I never knew how to react. I guess it was a compliment but sometimes there was a hint of a sneer, an unasked question of my health, an insinuation that perhaps I should be eating more.
I have never had an eating disorder, never purged or vomited. Never even crossed mine or my parents mind – I just had a fast metabolism. I have never exercised (I know, shut up right??) and I have always eaten exactly what I wanted. I have always been a size 8 with a 12B bra. I did drop down to a 6 right before my first marriage though – writing on the wall perhaps of the stress that I was under?
After a year of marriage, my first husband started not wanting to have sex with me for months at a time – he would come home from work and I would be sprawled on the couch in my sexy best and he would walk right past. I would instigate sex in the evenings and he would protest, claiming he was tired. I would get up for the toilet at midnight to find him wanking to porn in the study. On the rare occasion I forced the intimacy, he couldn’t get it up. I was totally gutted – although I was “model” thin, he ignored me and my self confidence fell through the floor. We went to counseling where he said he had lost his sex drive. Said it wasn’t me, it was him. He didn’t come home for days at a time and after another 18 months we eventually separated.
After our divorce I found out he was doing meth during this time in our marriage and that explained a lot. He couldn’t handle being intimate with me and the thought of making love in his condition was just too confronting for him. It never came up at counseling, but I think he must have told the counselor who advised me to leave the marriage.
I met my now husband 6 months after I had separated from my first (still married and engaged as well – such sin!!) and after 6 years together and two children, I STILL have trouble believing he thinks I am sexy. He tells me all the time and I know he believes it (he just has to catch a glimpse of me in the shower and he is “at the ready”), its just that I don’t believe.
Especially as after 2 children – my body isn’t a size 8 anymore which is what I have been used to for 36 years. I am 40 next year, and still a size 10 but I have a muffin top which I detest, my boobs feel “empty” somehow, and my bum has sagged so that it morphs with my thighs, when it used to be a pert cup sitting on top of my legs. Thanks to the rejection of one man who in another lifetime, I desperately sought sexual approval and affection from, my (now) poor darling husband STILL has me turning out the light for sex as I am self-conscious of my figure.
I should be embracing my new motherly curves as my husband does but I don’t.
Anyway, what I am saying is that although you may look at my figure and say “Bitch, please……”, just because I am still relatively slender, doesn’t mean I love my body or expect others to either.
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| This is me 38 weeks pregnant with Master J in 2010. I gave birth 9 days after this picture. |
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| I am very lucky that I bounced back relatively well – this is 2008, 2 days after giving birth to G Man. |
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| 2009, 13 months after G Man was born. I know, I am a lucky girl.
I gained only 7kg with each pregnancy and it dropped off easily with both as well. |
This is me today with Master J on the bed. If I have to choose three things I love, then I would say…
1. I love my skin – it is smooth, no stretch marks and I tan well
2. I love that my bum still looks OK in jeans
3.I love that my husband loves ALL of my body and wants to jump me at any opportunity – I am learning to see myself through his eyes.
What an honest post you just shared. I think that sometimes we (society) portray beautiful as slim/skinny/etc and that is why so many women compare their bodies to those that are smaller then then. I know that I do it myself.
Thank you for linking up xx
[Carly ~ Creator of WHL]
Wow Lisa, I can see how that type of rejection would impact on your confidence. Things like that aren’t easy to forget. I am so glad you have a husband who loves all of you and I hope as time goes by, you can see yourself through the eyes of many, and that you are a beautiful woman inside and out. xxxx love gem
Thanks Gemma – I adored your post too. Wonderful xxx
Thank you for having me Carly xxx
I applaud your courage to be so open and honest, that was quite an ordeal with your first husband. Hooray for husband number 2 who rightly adores you inside and out! I think you look fabulous, and by the looks Master J is giving you, I think he agrees 😉 xxx
Wow Lisa – That is such an honest and heartwrenching story at the same time. Its funny how the grass is always greener in our minds, but you never really know what is going on with the other person. I am so happy you have found the happiness you deserve and hun for nearly 40 – you have one banging body! xx
It would be impossible not to have the emotional and physical detatchment of your first marriage destroy your confidence. I understand what you mean when you say that people would wonder how you could feel so insecure at such a small size, i often wonder if the pressure to maintain it is worse when people compliment you often, having said that I think you look fabulous and I am so glad that you now have someone who sees you for the beautiful person you are
Wow lisa You just describe me. But without the divorce but the skinny part. How your a size 10 like me, your boobs your belly everything and its just like you described me. My husband is like yours always at the ready and yet I’m still the one asking if I’m sexy after 11 years and 4 kids.
As you know, my ex was an addict also, and I experienced the exact same rejection. Messes with your head. I’m so glad you have such a fabulous hubby now, and are starting to see yourself through his eyes. You’re awesome, inside and out 🙂 xx
Lisa, that must have been such a hard phase of your life to deal with, your first marriage. Life throws all sorts of crap at us sometimes. I’ve never really been overweight and people still make judgements based on size, and it doesn’t mean that I’m happy with my body just because it may be a certain size. I’ve learned to accept my body and look after it. I enjoy keeping it healthy and toned, it makes me feel good inside and that’s what is important. Loving our body is so much more than the physical. And so much harder than it should be. x
I can understand your rejection, as I too have been through something very similar. It is amazing how their issues become ours and something we carry through life with us. I love that your now husband makes you feel so much better! One day, you will believe him without any doubt x
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Rejection like that would be hard to bounce back from. I have been on the end of that too. I hope that you see your beautiful body as your husband and children see it. x
It’s so hard to get past such rejection, even when we know it really had nothing to do with us at all. I love these photos and you’re rockin’ that bikini!