I would like to take you back to a night about 3 years ago, give or take, when it was just one point five kids and Mr Point Five was working evening shift so it was just me and the G Man aged about 9 months.
This evening was my first experience with what to do when your baby poo’s in the bath.
RULE 1. don’t freak out and pull out the plug – you will lose sight of the poo once the water has gone as it probably has gotten wedged inside a plastic boat of some description. If there is water, it should float and be easier to see and remove.
RULE 2. do freak out and pull the baby out
RULE 3. grab a pair of gloves and remove offending item swiftly as baby poo tends to disintegrate exTREMEly quickly!
So, off to a fine start. 
Then as I was preparing dinner I noticed a vile smell wafting in from the laundry – the dryer was on and the hot air billowing out the door was definitely rank. 
NB – I must explain a pre-existing situation in order to lay grounds for this part of my night. We have a Jack Russell, Pawthos, who I buy raw chicken necks for as a treat on occasion. I had given Pawthos 3-4 necks a week or so earlier which he promptly took and I assumed ate out in the back garden. Sometimes he buries such items with intent on returning in 2-3 days which is fine as long as this too is outside.  There had been an odd smell in the laundry for the past day or two and for the life of me I could not discern its origin having looked pretty much everywhere with no success.
So, back to the dryer smell.  I went into the laundry and immediately opened the dryer door – to my horror a hot GREEN chicken neck fell out the door and onto the laundry floor. I think I just about vomited. What a God-awful stench. Turns out Pawthos had hidden his chicken neck outside and then relocated it to underneath the dirty clothes pile. So the chicken neck had been through the washing machine AND the dryer with a full load of clothes. So revolting – all clothes chucked out – I think the smell was BAKED in after a hot dryer cycle. Needless to say a LOT of disinfectant and bleach were used in the next few empty cycles.
Righto – G Man was in bed, I had a fresh cooked meal in front of me and a glass of wine to soothe a fractured soul. About to hit play on “Erik the Viking” and knocked (full) glass of wine over – SMASH – at least the smell of white wine all over the floor should drown out the chicken neck stench! For fu@ks sake people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill me now why dont you? I may as well have given up and gone to bed.

EVENING = EPIC FAILURE
Later that night I was (lamenting probably) on facebook and a girlfriend said that her partners “favourite part” of my evening was the poo. Awesome. My night now had favourite parts.
’til next time,
Lisa
xxx
Disclaimer: not one single part of that story was made up just for laughs. It honestly happened in just that FML way.