Having a conversation with a toddler is like how I imagine talking to a goldfish would be.


Master J finds a scallop shell from my pre-children gastronomic entertaining days.


Mummy, where is the crab from my shell?

There isn’t a crab.

No crab?


*10 second pause*

Mummy, come help me find the crab.

There isnt a crab.


*12 second pause*

Mummy, where is the crab? My crab has gone!

There ISN’T a (bloody) crab!!

*goes to toilet*

Mummy *pushes open the toilet door* Is the crab in the toilet??


Is he in the toilet with the spider?

What spider?

The spider in the toilet.

There is no spider in the toilet.


*8 second pause*

Mummy, can you help me find my crab?


and then there is Toddler Logic….

Master J is on the toilet doing number 2’s. He is pushing a bit and has two little tears rolling down his cheek.

Why am I crying Mummy, he says.

Well darling, do you think you are pushing so hard to get your poo out that you are also pushing all your sads out too?

*seriously thinking for a minute*

No, Mummy he says, shaking his head. Its just a very, very sad poo.



We are trying to wean Master J off his bubbies (dummies, pacifier etc) during the day. 

We are going to the big shops today so I tell him if he doesn’t ask me for a bubby all day I will buy him a present. I ask him what he would like. 

He thinks about it very seriously and then says “A big red Bubby”.



…and another logical pearler from him this morning at breakfast.

 Would you like some toast darling?

No thanks Mummy.

Oh – what would you like then?

I want dinner.

Oh OK. Would you like some toast for dinner?

Yes please.



Don’t you wish Toddler Logic worked for grown-ups too?

Would you like to be a Goldfish?

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