Linky Blog – I Heart my Body
Linking up with We Heart Life to celebrate our own body love.
All my life I have always been slender. “Aren’t you skinny??” would be one of the first things people would say about me, to me. I never knew how to react. I guess it was a compliment but sometimes there was a hint of a sneer, an unasked question of my health, an insinuation that perhaps I should be eating more.
I have never had an eating disorder, never purged or vomited. Never even crossed mine or my parents mind – I just had a fast metabolism. I have never exercised (I know, shut up right??) and I have always eaten exactly what I wanted. I have always been a size 8 with a 12B bra. I did drop down to a 6 right before my first marriage though – writing on the wall perhaps of the stress that I was under?
After a year of marriage, my first husband started not wanting to have sex with me for months at a time – he would come home from work and I would be sprawled on the couch in my sexy best and he would walk right past. I would instigate sex in the evenings and he would protest, claiming he was tired. I would get up for the toilet at midnight to find him wanking to porn in the study. On the rare occasion I forced the intimacy, he couldn’t get it up. I was totally gutted – although I was “model” thin, he ignored me and my self confidence fell through the floor. We went to counseling where he said he had lost his sex drive. Said it wasn’t me, it was him. He didn’t come home for days at a time and after another 18 months we eventually separated.
After our divorce I found out he was doing meth during this time in our marriage and that explained a lot. He couldn’t handle being intimate with me and the thought of making love in his condition was just too confronting for him. It never came up at counseling, but I think he must have told the counselor who advised me to leave the marriage.
I met my now husband 6 months after I had separated from my first (still married and engaged as well – such sin!!) and after 6 years together and two children, I STILL have trouble believing he thinks I am sexy. He tells me all the time and I know he believes it (he just has to catch a glimpse of me in the shower and he is “at the ready”), its just that I don’t believe.
Especially as after 2 children – my body isn’t a size 8 anymore which is what I have been used to for 36 years. I am 40 next year, and still a size 10 but I have a muffin top which I detest, my boobs feel “empty” somehow, and my bum has sagged so that it morphs with my thighs, when it used to be a pert cup sitting on top of my legs. Thanks to the rejection of one man who in another lifetime, I desperately sought sexual approval and affection from, my (now) poor darling husband STILL has me turning out the light for sex as I am self-conscious of my figure.
I should be embracing my new motherly curves as my husband does but I don’t.
Anyway, what I am saying is that although you may look at my figure and say “Bitch, please……”, just because I am still relatively slender, doesn’t mean I love my body or expect others to either.
|This is me 38 weeks pregnant with Master J in 2010. I gave birth 9 days after this picture.|
|I am very lucky that I bounced back relatively well – this is 2008, 2 days after giving birth to G Man.|
|2009, 13 months after G Man was born. I know, I am a lucky girl.
I gained only 7kg with each pregnancy and it dropped off easily with both as well.
This is me today with Master J on the bed. If I have to choose three things I love, then I would say…
1. I love my skin – it is smooth, no stretch marks and I tan well
2. I love that my bum still looks OK in jeans
3.I love that my husband loves ALL of my body and wants to jump me at any opportunity – I am learning to see myself through his eyes.